"I felt perfect. I was perfect...

Today I saw a movie: the blank swan, if you have not watch it, I suggest you stop reading this entry because I will talk about the final part, and it would be better if you see the movie before. This is not the first time I saw this movie, the first time I saw it , I was really bad, phisically and emotionally I was deeply immerse on the anorexia and I saw myself like that, like in a mirror, may be she was more intense, but not so much and that scared me, and I did not share this thought with anyone because I did not want everyone think that I was crazy, even when I was a little bit.. or may be so much :(

Today, I saw this movie again, and.. I still could see some things of that disorder with me, I think the girl on the movie, was suffering for some kind of disorder I think it might be schizophrenia or something like that, I am saying this because the  hallucinations,  but if you think about it, the hallucinations that you or I, see on the mirror are not so different, with the dismorphy, but.. like in the movie, the perfection has a price, and is so expensive: the life. (even when I know it is not worth it, I still can't get away)this week I've lost some weight 2 pounds and even when I did enjoy it.. well.. sort of.. the next second I felt awfull because I know it is bad for my health and for my life and of course my teeth.. and my skin.. and my muscles.. and my mind, I don't want to lose more weight but I still don't want to eat like everyone else :( I don't know why

"I felt perfect. I was perfect." she said.

Do you want to reach perfection even if the price is the life itself?
Nina, did it. Am I? Are you?

P.S. My native language is Spanish as you can see, but lately I have been studyng English just to make those ghost whom live in my head, go away, and even when  I am not perfect, and I want to be.., I mean, in English  (yeah, sure ¬ ¬) I am trying to move on and this is also part of my process: try to not be perfect and accept my own mistakes as something naturally human, I still deserve respect and love. :S this is the reason for the English written entry, even when I know I am making mistakes.